A recent interaction has gotten me thinking. And after the suggestion that I consider writing about it, I have decided that it might be a useful reflection. So here's my take on the topic of relationships.
I've taken time to consider how relationships begin, grow, continue, and/or end. As children, our parents had influence in our relationships with immediate and extended family, who we made and built friendships with and modeled how to interact with friends and family through their example. I grew up understanding the importance of family and close friendships, knowing how important is it to treat others with kindness and respect. Kindness and respect are important factors in relationships because of the way it influences others willingness to be open.
Given an environment of kindness and respect, people can share themselves little by little, creating opportunities for shared experiences, which can make even stronger bonds between people. Shared experiences might be daily life, school, play dates, sports, or any number of things; however, it is important, because it provides opportunity for interacting. The more interactions with kindness, respect and openness, the greater likelihood for relationships being built. Shared experiences (especially fun ones) can be glue that bonds people who are kind and respectful to each other.
So how do people who are separated by distance, build and/or maintain relationships? Phone calls, letters, e-mail, FaceBook, FaceTime, Skype? I've found these methods to be helpful in maintaining relationships over distance and in some circumstances. I've recently noticed that my increased openness about myself, family and personal experiences in my written blogs may help others get to know me better, which may be like planting seeds for future interactions and discussions in person someday with others.
What happens to relationships where respect and kindness are compromised? What happens if people start taking their relationships for granted and don't make effort to maintain them, let alone grow them? What happens if openness ceases to be an element and the relationship is expected despite the lack of respect and kindness? This is where it gets tough, especially if it involves family. You never give up on family, no matter how hard things get and no matter what has happened, right? I see that as a time to exercise patience, pray, and have faith that God will have His hand in things if the other person has the same desire and is willing to work on the relationship. Forgive the person and keep living your life until they are ready to turn that page as well and move on.
So what is one to do in the mean time? This all comes down to individual coping skills. I've noticed that my relationship coping skills have evolved over time. As a child and into my teens I may have been sad, sulked, and impatiently waited for things to magically get better after trying anything/everything I could for resolution. Into college years, I figured out quickly that there are energy saps out there everywhere and that I needed to be more cautious in forming relationships with people who could be good friends to me, not just me good friends to them. It took longer to clear that hurdle than I would have liked, but at least I cleared it and moved on. Having been married for many years and becoming a mothers by far the most rewarding on-the-job-training I've ever had! I have learned how the quality of relationships I have with others directly influences my family life.
The ability to recognize healthy and unhealthy relationships is very important, because respect is one of those critical ingredients. If I leave myself open to disrespect by others, it influences my family and home life. I am currently at a place in my life where I have boundaries that I expect to be respected by others. My boundaries have to do with respect of priorities and values. I don't expect others to have the same priorities and values, but that they respect mine. I'm happy to discuss them and respect differences. I'm that simple. And if I feel that my priorities and values have been disrespected, I will tell them and give them a chance to make things right with me. If they don't, then it's time to go to plan B (forgive them, pray about it, and be patient while waiting for them to come around).
So back to my question, what is one to do in the mean time? Patience and openness work together rather nicely in life, as I've found that life has a way of filling back up pretty nicely if/when something happens in a relationship as long as I don't dwell on it (hence the need to forgive, be patient and move on). It was incredibly liberating when I discovered that I have the privilege and responsibility of choosing (prioritizing) how I spend my time and resources, both emotional and physical, because those choices effect me, my children, my spouse, my other friendships, family, etc. Toxic relationships can create much stress and steal the joy from daily life experiences. And toxic relationships can not change unless there is desire for them to change by both parties.
So without guilt, but with much forgiveness, patience, and hope, I will hold the line on my expectation for relationships to be respectful and kind. Life is too short to do otherwise.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
God doesn't give us fish sticks
Last night during dinner, we had a rough time getting our kids to help prepare the food they were about to eat. They are usually very happy and excited to help make food with me. I don't typically force my kids help with food preparation, but when it comes down to me prepping about 100 small shrimp that needs to be peeled and such, it's time to learn.
As we gathered at the table and I brought freshly boiled shrimp (you know, the ones with the head still on, eyes staring at you?) you can imagine the expressions on my darling children's faces change from excited hunger to shock and disgust. Mind you, they've all eaten and liked shrimp before. Why the change of heart? They are spoiled - that's why! The are used to the prepped shrimp, that someone else went to painstaking detail to de-head, pull off the legs and outer shell, and finally remove the tail without taking any of the precious desired meat with them. It's a talent, I tell ya! And while I appreciate their talent in doing this task and packaging them nicely into bags for me to select either fresh or frozen at the supermarket, it's important to know how to prepare your own shrimp. Right?! Anyone who's ever eaten fresh shrimp knows the difference and what I'm talking about.
Why did we decide that it was time for our kids to acquire this wonderful talent? My darling husband decided to bring home a bag of fresh shrimp from the market. It's all we had to make as a main course for dinner that night. It was time to learn.
Personality differences were to be expected and definitely presented themselves during this experience. My hands-on learners were game and jumped right in. My tentative ones were cautious, but came around. My tactile sensitive child wanted NOTHING to do with it - not to touch it, watch it, listen to it, etc. Eating was the ONLY option. Period. Soooo.....as we enforced the "you have to try it once" at the table policy, you can imagine the drama that unfolded. With extreme disgust, resentment, and eventual departure from the table claiming the desire to never eat any living thing ever again, it was NOT the ideal learning experience.
To help calm down the situation, I went to sensitive child's room and tried to bring some 'sense' to the emotions that were raging. The truth of the matter is, WE ARE SPOILED! We don't catch our own food, we don't clean and prepare the meat from animals for eating, we don't grow our own food, we don't usually bake our own bread, make cereal, crackers, pasta, etc...etc....
We are so removed from the reality of what it takes for the food to come to the table that when the learning moment arises for how to prepare a shrimp there is rebellion and chaos.
So, how effective was my 'sensible' approach to this topic? Completely ineffective! Ha ha! Sensitive child refused to ever eat meat again and become vegetarian.
What is a parent to do when sensibility and mental capabilities fail? I've learned to stop trying to raise my children my way and raise them God's way. Whenever I let God's Truth and authority come into things, He always wins my children over. So I let go and let God. I relied on His Word and examples to guide me as I explained how God made animals for food. This gained some traction and a discussion came into light. Sensitive child opened up the door for consideration and the miracle of the fish and bread that fed thousands opened eyes. I asked sensitive child, "If you were there that day, and were given food to eat, would you have turned your nose up at it and said, 'Yuck! I want fish sticks instead! ?" Sensitive child understood, without words came to the table and proceeded to peel shrimp AND eat it. Disgusted by the process all the same, but thankful and no longer spoiled to the point of not appreciating the bounty provided for us.
So I was thinking last night about how God gave us fish, not fish sticks. What other ways does this apply to my life? He always provides, but it takes work on my part to make it fish sticks. It takes my effort and participation.
As we gathered at the table and I brought freshly boiled shrimp (you know, the ones with the head still on, eyes staring at you?) you can imagine the expressions on my darling children's faces change from excited hunger to shock and disgust. Mind you, they've all eaten and liked shrimp before. Why the change of heart? They are spoiled - that's why! The are used to the prepped shrimp, that someone else went to painstaking detail to de-head, pull off the legs and outer shell, and finally remove the tail without taking any of the precious desired meat with them. It's a talent, I tell ya! And while I appreciate their talent in doing this task and packaging them nicely into bags for me to select either fresh or frozen at the supermarket, it's important to know how to prepare your own shrimp. Right?! Anyone who's ever eaten fresh shrimp knows the difference and what I'm talking about.
Why did we decide that it was time for our kids to acquire this wonderful talent? My darling husband decided to bring home a bag of fresh shrimp from the market. It's all we had to make as a main course for dinner that night. It was time to learn.
Personality differences were to be expected and definitely presented themselves during this experience. My hands-on learners were game and jumped right in. My tentative ones were cautious, but came around. My tactile sensitive child wanted NOTHING to do with it - not to touch it, watch it, listen to it, etc. Eating was the ONLY option. Period. Soooo.....as we enforced the "you have to try it once" at the table policy, you can imagine the drama that unfolded. With extreme disgust, resentment, and eventual departure from the table claiming the desire to never eat any living thing ever again, it was NOT the ideal learning experience.
To help calm down the situation, I went to sensitive child's room and tried to bring some 'sense' to the emotions that were raging. The truth of the matter is, WE ARE SPOILED! We don't catch our own food, we don't clean and prepare the meat from animals for eating, we don't grow our own food, we don't usually bake our own bread, make cereal, crackers, pasta, etc...etc....
We are so removed from the reality of what it takes for the food to come to the table that when the learning moment arises for how to prepare a shrimp there is rebellion and chaos.
So, how effective was my 'sensible' approach to this topic? Completely ineffective! Ha ha! Sensitive child refused to ever eat meat again and become vegetarian.
What is a parent to do when sensibility and mental capabilities fail? I've learned to stop trying to raise my children my way and raise them God's way. Whenever I let God's Truth and authority come into things, He always wins my children over. So I let go and let God. I relied on His Word and examples to guide me as I explained how God made animals for food. This gained some traction and a discussion came into light. Sensitive child opened up the door for consideration and the miracle of the fish and bread that fed thousands opened eyes. I asked sensitive child, "If you were there that day, and were given food to eat, would you have turned your nose up at it and said, 'Yuck! I want fish sticks instead! ?" Sensitive child understood, without words came to the table and proceeded to peel shrimp AND eat it. Disgusted by the process all the same, but thankful and no longer spoiled to the point of not appreciating the bounty provided for us.
So I was thinking last night about how God gave us fish, not fish sticks. What other ways does this apply to my life? He always provides, but it takes work on my part to make it fish sticks. It takes my effort and participation.
Advent instead of Advil! How my family came to celebrate "The 12 Days of Christmas" in Moscow
Given that the Orthodox Christian Church is very prominent in Russia, Christmas is celebrated on their calendar, January 6th. Fine by us, because we celebrate Christmas beginning Dec. 25th and throughout the 12 days of Christmas. Although we've found ourselves to be a minority in doing this, even in the USA, it was wonderful to be able to actually have holiday time leading up to the Epiphany (Christmas Day for the Orthodox church). New Year celebrations start things off and build up to the big day here! And time to celebrate Christmas with friends and extended family continue for days.
Government was shut down until the 10th of January (I think it was shut down for more than a week, but don't know the exact date it shut down to be entirely to be honest). I think that it was shut down from New Years Eve through the 10th. That's some seriously celebration time. And a celebration it was! Every day there were fire works in the evening going off somewhere. Not just a stray bottle rocket in the distance either...a real display worth stopping to admire.
So how did the Duffy family do with these changes? Fabulously! We had lots of time to enjoy our gifts, one day at a time. Celebrating the 12 days of Christmas provides ample opportunity to spend time and money a little bit each day, savoring each gift and the time spent together enjoying them. Ice skates for the family was the big gift, followed by a day of ice skating. A small gift each day was fun and included an exchange of gifts among family members. And we made it to church on multiple days during our 12 day celebration, instead of just Christmas day.
A serious bonus of shopping before, during and after the 12/25 Christmas day celebrated in the USA is that we don't expend nearly as much money as we might otherwise because we are not beholden to getting everything purchased and 'done' or 'ready' by a certain day. Wrapping happens each day, as a gift is put into a reusable Christmas bag. Each child has their own bag. It's simple, effective and green (reduces waste). It worked wonderfully! This is a streamlined process that we've been refining for the last couple of years. This year with us being in Moscow, it was the most efficient yet, as wrapping paper is a bit hard to come by. So the magical bag was wonderful! Less time spent wrapping + less time spent cleaning up wrapping paper = more time spent having fun together. So there are a few insider details for those wondering how we do things in my family with 5 children.
Are you wondering why and how we came to this somewhat unusual process? Well, Vinny and I were talking about what we like and dislike about Christmas - and by Christmas, we meant the whole experience of Christmas, not specifically the religious miracle that we celebrate. We compared notes, discussing our happiest and most unpleasant memories surrounding Christmas and made some decisions about how we want our family to celebrate Christ's birth. We want to avoid the commercialized Christmas that creates greedy, materialistic, sugared-up little monsters who become incapable of focusing on anything but themselves. We want our kids to recognize the tremendous gift that was given to the world in Jesus Christ.
So we wait...
We wait to decorate, letting Advent unfold with a daily scripture and decorations bit by bit.
We wait to put our tree up until a day or two before Christmas and let decorations unfold throughout the 12 days of Christmas.
We wait for gifts and stretch out days for gifts (from brothers and sisters to each other, from parents to children, St. Nicholas gifts, etc) throughout the 12 days of Christmas.
We try very hard to let Christ be the center and everything that surrounds the celebration of his birthday to glorify Him, in patience, generosity, kindness, thoughtfulness, consideration of resources, and time spent having fun together. We want it to be like the ideal birthday party where everyone has a good time, the house doesn't get wrecked, and the birthday boy (Jesus) is happy!
I can imagine that most everyone reading this can recall a chaotic birthday party that they've been to, seen on tv, or read about. That's what we're trying to avoid in fighting what we see as the media/commercialization of Christmas. Instead, we try to focus on the Peace, Love, and Joy parts of Christmas. It was easier than we thought it would be, by stretching out the celebration days and breaking out of the Dec. 25th deadline that we were allowing to be imposed on us. The TO DO LIST for Christmas shopping, baking, gifts, wrapping, travel, etc., doesn't have to be dreaded if the time line to get things checked off is stretched out. We shouldn't have to see Christmas items in stores before Thanksgiving (sometimes just after Halloween - Thumbs DOWN) just so we can get things checked off our list. We evaluated what was on "The List", prioritized, and then scheduled according to our time line. We rejected the deadline of the BIG DAY and said yes to the 12 days of Christmas. I haven't felt like a failure for years now! What a gift! What a gift to my whole family!
It is my hope that when they are grown and in the position to decide how they would like to celebrate Christmas, that they won't feel the pressure to perform the duties on the list, but rather joyfully choose and carry out what is one their list in a way that will hopefully be pleasing to Jesus Christ.
So far, it's been a blessing to my family because we still get the joy of our watching our children in their excitement and wonder, but we get it for more days instead of a whirlwind .
There you have it - Christmas for the Duffy Family in Moscow! Hope you had a blessed Christmas and wonderful beginning to 2012!
Government was shut down until the 10th of January (I think it was shut down for more than a week, but don't know the exact date it shut down to be entirely to be honest). I think that it was shut down from New Years Eve through the 10th. That's some seriously celebration time. And a celebration it was! Every day there were fire works in the evening going off somewhere. Not just a stray bottle rocket in the distance either...a real display worth stopping to admire.
So how did the Duffy family do with these changes? Fabulously! We had lots of time to enjoy our gifts, one day at a time. Celebrating the 12 days of Christmas provides ample opportunity to spend time and money a little bit each day, savoring each gift and the time spent together enjoying them. Ice skates for the family was the big gift, followed by a day of ice skating. A small gift each day was fun and included an exchange of gifts among family members. And we made it to church on multiple days during our 12 day celebration, instead of just Christmas day.
A serious bonus of shopping before, during and after the 12/25 Christmas day celebrated in the USA is that we don't expend nearly as much money as we might otherwise because we are not beholden to getting everything purchased and 'done' or 'ready' by a certain day. Wrapping happens each day, as a gift is put into a reusable Christmas bag. Each child has their own bag. It's simple, effective and green (reduces waste). It worked wonderfully! This is a streamlined process that we've been refining for the last couple of years. This year with us being in Moscow, it was the most efficient yet, as wrapping paper is a bit hard to come by. So the magical bag was wonderful! Less time spent wrapping + less time spent cleaning up wrapping paper = more time spent having fun together. So there are a few insider details for those wondering how we do things in my family with 5 children.
Are you wondering why and how we came to this somewhat unusual process? Well, Vinny and I were talking about what we like and dislike about Christmas - and by Christmas, we meant the whole experience of Christmas, not specifically the religious miracle that we celebrate. We compared notes, discussing our happiest and most unpleasant memories surrounding Christmas and made some decisions about how we want our family to celebrate Christ's birth. We want to avoid the commercialized Christmas that creates greedy, materialistic, sugared-up little monsters who become incapable of focusing on anything but themselves. We want our kids to recognize the tremendous gift that was given to the world in Jesus Christ.
So we wait...
We wait to decorate, letting Advent unfold with a daily scripture and decorations bit by bit.
We wait to put our tree up until a day or two before Christmas and let decorations unfold throughout the 12 days of Christmas.
We wait for gifts and stretch out days for gifts (from brothers and sisters to each other, from parents to children, St. Nicholas gifts, etc) throughout the 12 days of Christmas.
We try very hard to let Christ be the center and everything that surrounds the celebration of his birthday to glorify Him, in patience, generosity, kindness, thoughtfulness, consideration of resources, and time spent having fun together. We want it to be like the ideal birthday party where everyone has a good time, the house doesn't get wrecked, and the birthday boy (Jesus) is happy!
I can imagine that most everyone reading this can recall a chaotic birthday party that they've been to, seen on tv, or read about. That's what we're trying to avoid in fighting what we see as the media/commercialization of Christmas. Instead, we try to focus on the Peace, Love, and Joy parts of Christmas. It was easier than we thought it would be, by stretching out the celebration days and breaking out of the Dec. 25th deadline that we were allowing to be imposed on us. The TO DO LIST for Christmas shopping, baking, gifts, wrapping, travel, etc., doesn't have to be dreaded if the time line to get things checked off is stretched out. We shouldn't have to see Christmas items in stores before Thanksgiving (sometimes just after Halloween - Thumbs DOWN) just so we can get things checked off our list. We evaluated what was on "The List", prioritized, and then scheduled according to our time line. We rejected the deadline of the BIG DAY and said yes to the 12 days of Christmas. I haven't felt like a failure for years now! What a gift! What a gift to my whole family!
It is my hope that when they are grown and in the position to decide how they would like to celebrate Christmas, that they won't feel the pressure to perform the duties on the list, but rather joyfully choose and carry out what is one their list in a way that will hopefully be pleasing to Jesus Christ.
So far, it's been a blessing to my family because we still get the joy of our watching our children in their excitement and wonder, but we get it for more days instead of a whirlwind .
There you have it - Christmas for the Duffy Family in Moscow! Hope you had a blessed Christmas and wonderful beginning to 2012!
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