Parenting.....an exercise in humility

I have a special song for each of my kids. Gavin has always liked the 14 Angels song. Brendan always requested Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Ashlynn preferred my own tune made up to the words from a book "I like you for always, I love you forever, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be" and Caitrin has always loved My Darling Irish Girl. Meghan is 3 months shy of being two and has not liked me singing ANY song, let alone have a favorite one. I would not be honest if I said it hasn't bothered me, because I really enjoy singing and I'm known around my home for making up little songs for routine tasks/chores that I am sure will play in my kids heads when they are older. I'm not sure if they will laugh or cringe when it happens the first time they walk in the door of their own homes and hear the original tune I sing to "shoes on the shoe rack....coats in the closet." And one day, I hope they find themselves singing to their children as they push them on the swing, "I like to fly....up in the sky....I go up and down, and back and forth, swinging through the air, without a care as I fly.....up in the sky." Yes, I like to sing and find it a natural way to guide my kids and have fun with them. Sooo....when my yongest has cried, screamed and whined at me from very early on if/whenever I started to sing any song to her, I have found it rather disconcerting. It has gotten easier with time, but still upsetting and a disappointment until recently. With Meghan's quickly developing language skills, I figured out that she was the one who wanted to do the singing. She didn't want anyone singing a song that she wasn't able to sing along to. Since she can talk better, she can now sing too. She likes listening to recordings of people singing, videos, tv shows and such with people singing and learns from them without any protest. So I persisted in offering/asking her if she wanted me to sing her a song or would like to sing together (ABC's, Twinkle Twinkle, etc.). Last night, it finally happened! Meghan let me sing to her at bedtime. She wanted to hear "Rock-a-bye Meghan, in a tree top. When the wind blows, the cradle will rock. When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall. Mommy will catch Meghan cradle and all." Had to change the lyrics a long time ago as I always thought it was a scary song and not likely to lull a child to sleep when they finally comprehend the lyrics! Ha ha! So there is was...a first. Hopefully she will allow it to continue and her favorite song request will not be the song she has been singing around the house the last couple of days, which is, "S.O.S. please someone help me" (from the Chipmunks 3 movie, where Jeanette is held captive, tied to a string and lowered down to gather a treasure while singing that song). Ha ha!

Victory Day 2012 - An exercise in explaining atrocities to children

I don't know about others, but I find it difficult explaining historic atrocities. Victory Day in Russia is a celebration of their victory over the Nazi invasion of their country...which cost them 28,000,000 lives. In order to explain the significance of the victory, it was time to explain what the Nazi movement was. No matter how you simplify the message, there is no preserving their innocence while informing them of the lives lost due to hatred.  So I turned to the internet as a guide for explaining things from a perspective of a child, how the Nazi movement affected children back then. While it was informative and helped my children to gain some perspective on what children and their families endured, it was awful to be the bearer of such awful news. I have always been very protective over the things my children see on tv, especially the news, which is filled with violence and depressing details of poor choices made by people in the world (sometimes closer to home than I would like them to be aware of). I was spared knowledge of those things as a child and enjoyed the innocence of it...allowing me to be a child. A time was going to come in the future where knowledge of those things would come. I treasure my childhood and hoped to do the same for my children. However, I have found it to be much harder to protect them from those things these days. Media is so much more prevalent than when I was a child. So the dilemma presented itself - hear it from me now, or wait until the discover it on their own and hope that they will ask questions about it. After prayerful consideration, I opted for letting them hear it from me first, so that they can hear it as delicately as possible with some perspective on why it is important to learn from past mistakes so things like that don't happen again. There is always a moral lesson to be learned from it and I choose to focus on that instead of the mistake that led to such atrocities. The more we talked about it, as they empathized with the victims and were enraged by the awful things done, I found it easier to explore ideas about how we can make choices every day that can lead our world in a direction that will not repeat those mistakes. And the choice we can make was very simple...to love instead of hate. Kids have a wonderful way of seeing things very clearly. Hate brings about bad things. Love brings about good things. I am sure that we will have more 'learning opportunies' in the coming future and this foundation will prove to be a good one.

Loss

Losing a pet is a hard thing. Losing a pet when out of the country is even harder. Munichabella was our family cat. When trying to figure out what to name her, we were sitting down for lunch the day we brought her home and she sat at my husband's feet as if she were begging for food. I giggled and said, "Little Mooch!" She turned her head immedicately as if being called. And since we knew a little girl named Munichabella, whose family called her Mouchee, our kitty was called Mouchee ever since. She was born in July of 1998 in Hong Kong. She made the big move to the USA in December of 2001. It was a big change from Hong Kong to Mississippi, but she adjusted pretty well, considering that the loud animated toy (Gavin) was becoming mobile. When the loud, animated, mobile toys grew in number (Brendan & Ashlynn), she grew to appreciate the older ones who could feed, brush, and play with her. One of my kids' first phrases was not kitty, but Moo Moo, when they were calling for Mouchee. She still treasured her times with my husband and me in the evenings when she had free run of the house without concern of the littlest ones reaching out to touch her fluffy tail. When the time came for a second move, to Indiana, Mouchee traveled along side (in her carrier) during the overnight drive (during Hurricane Katrina). She settled into the apartment (for a few months) pretty well and was even happier when we found our home (with a basement and a room all to herself). As two more little ones joined the family, Mouchee enjoyed the older ones feeding her and playing. She especially enjoyed having a room all to herself where it was quiet, cool, and she could sleep whenever she wanted without being disrupted. At night, she enjoyed running around and playing with my husband and me. Even as she was getting older, she was still a very sweet cat, who enjoyed interacting with preschool classes during 'bring your pet to school day'. I'm so thankful that she was able to do that last fall before we moved to Moscow and that my kids have pictures of her to remember how special she was. It wasn't until we were planning to leave for Moscow that Mouchee's age really started to sink in. Sure, she liked having space to herself and slept more than she used to. But she was still very agile, great at jumping and running, and incredibly beautiful. She was very sweet and loving. She was getting old, but was showing no signs of leaving this world. But knowing how old she was, I mentally told myself that it could be the last time I would see her again. Life is full of uncertainties. Never in my heart did I imagine that I wouldn't be there for her when she died. Mouchee is a cat unlike any I've ever known. She played fetch and liked to be petted, but did not insist on sitting on other's laps. She liked to have her space (like many cats do), but was also very kind and playful. My husband even risked his life to save Mouchee when she found herself on the other side of the glass balcony edge (5th floor of the building) and couldn't find her way back. He climbed over the balcony side to the side of the building ledge where she was hiding in fear. I was pregnant for Gavin at the time and it scared me to death. He wasn't even thinking when he did it, but was certain that if he hadn't gone right then to get her, that she may have accidentally jumped (it was dark outside) after a moth or something. He tossed her to me on the balcony and she was safe. Though it was clear that Mouchee did not appreciate the loud, unpredicatble years of my children when they were little (and some are still little), she did grow to love them as they were a bit older and my kids all loved her from the first time they set eyes on her. Moo Moo Mouchee Cat lives on in all our hearts.

My cup is overflowing

My cup is overflowing! Thursday was a holiday (Veteran's Day, sort of, with an overall theme of celebrating men of all ages). Celebrated my husband and sons at Papa John's Pizza (dine-in). After getting off of the bus (2 stops from home) we were greeted by the sound of fireworks going off in Park Pobedy while snow was falling which created a very unique and memorable experience. The fireworks (called Salute here) reminded me of watercolors in the sky from the passing snow clouds and the filtering effect that the snowflakes had on the display. 

Meghan was frightened by the loud booms at first, but quickly was in awe of the colors while snowflakes melted on her face, saying, "Mommy! Lellow! Mommy! Pink! Look, Mommy, Lellow!!!" Yes, lellow is yellow in Meghan-speak.  During the 5 minute walk back home we saw one of Ashlynn's classmates (Katya) who lives nearby. After talking with them fora little while and the girls  playing in the snow, we arranged for Katya to come play at our home the next morning at 11am. This took some effort on both parts because they speak very little English and we speak very little Russian. Their English is better than our Russian and helped tremendously. 

At 11am sharp, the doorbell chimed and we were greeted by Katya and her father Alexey who brought us a delicious cake and some chocolate. Katya and Ashlynn went straight to playing and Alexey stuck around. It was weird. I hadn't anticipated that he would be planning to stay. I had planned things for the girls to do if/when their language abilities became stressed. I hadn't created a Plan A, let alone a Plan B for what do to with her father. 

With no plan, I relied on common sense and offered coffee/tea and we talked. I had taken the time to write down a few words that they taught me last night, so I showed them to him and asked if they were correct. He smiled, confirmed that they were correct, and that was the beginning of a beautiful day! 

After an hour of playing together, the girls were eager to go outside to play. Since it was so close to lunchtime, we split up, ate lunch separately, got in our snow gear, and met them at 1pm to go outside.  We started at the playground (yes, swings, slides and many other outdoor items are equally fun, possibly more fun with snow), proceeded to the top of the hill at Park Pobedy (greatest height in Moscow and also a historical military site) and went sledding! We had a BLAST! Alexey brought a sled that looked like a hybrid between  a sled and a snowmobile. Essentially, it was a sled with a seat that accommodated two or three children, or an adult and a child. It also had a steering wheel and a brake! Very cool!

When the girls were tired from sledding, Alexey suggested we go for a walk to Pobedy Museum (War Memorial and Museum at Park Pobedy, known as Victory Park). We had a lovely day! When we returned, exhausted and cold, we returned to my home and had coffee, tea and the delicious cake they brought earlier in the day. 

Alexey and Katya ended up spending much of the evening here and when it was finally time to go, he thanked us for a very nice day and for the new friendship. It was a wonderful day!

After yesterday's sun and temperatures hovering at 32 and 33 degrees, there was a lot of melting and concern by my kids that the snow would be gone by morning. Instead of sadness and despair, I awoke to sounds of delight and laughter and discovered freshly fallen snow! It was still falling so lightly and delicately without wind to disrupt it that it had collected on the trees the same way it had earlier in the winter. Like I said earlier....my cup is overflowing.  

What's one to do when running low on their favorite moisturizer?

Like an angel calling from Heaven, the commercial for Avon was beckoning me to reach out and contact someone here instead of settle for whatever I can manage to decipher from the packaging at the local Аптека. So I went to the website (www.avon.ru) and of course there was no English option. I tried my handy method for translating webpages into English by using Google Translate with no success. Then I figured that I could decipher the page bit by bit and order by picture, havivng it delivered to my home here, only to discover that they do not do orders directly from the site.

I persisted and utilized my 1st grade Russian reading skills and deciphered the information request page. I entered my name (in English and Russian), address (in Russian), and phone number. It will be interesting to see who calls and what we can get worked out. Ha ha! I did put a message in English in the 'Notes' section requesting someone who can speak some English. Waiting game begins...

P.S. Maybe I could be the Avon lady to my English speaking friends! LOL! Love their products and miss my Avon ladies (Tami Hammack, Heather Prough, and Tara Borgonah) back home. But then again, the tax nightmare that would come from that would not be worth it!

Relationships

A recent interaction has gotten me thinking. And after the suggestion that I consider writing about it, I have decided that it might be a useful reflection. So here's my take on the topic of relationships.

I've taken time to consider how relationships begin, grow, continue, and/or end. As children, our parents had influence in our relationships with immediate and extended family, who we made and built friendships with and modeled how to interact with friends and family through their example. I grew up understanding the importance of family and close friendships, knowing how important is it to treat others with kindness and respect. Kindness and respect are important factors in relationships because of the way it influences others willingness to be open.

Given an environment of kindness and respect, people can share themselves little by little, creating opportunities for shared experiences, which can make even stronger bonds between people. Shared experiences might be daily life, school, play dates, sports, or any number of things; however, it is important, because it provides opportunity for interacting. The more interactions with kindness, respect and openness, the greater likelihood for relationships being built. Shared experiences (especially fun ones) can be glue that bonds people who are kind and respectful to each other.

So how do people who are separated by distance, build and/or maintain relationships? Phone calls, letters, e-mail, FaceBook, FaceTime, Skype? I've found these methods to be helpful in maintaining relationships over distance and in some circumstances. I've recently noticed that my increased openness about myself, family and personal experiences in my written blogs may help others get to know me better, which may be like planting seeds for future interactions and discussions in person someday with others.

What happens to relationships where respect and kindness are compromised? What happens if people start taking their relationships for granted and don't make effort to maintain them, let alone grow them? What happens if openness ceases to be an element and the relationship is expected despite the lack of respect and kindness? This is where it gets tough, especially if it involves family. You never give up on family, no matter how hard things get and no matter what has happened, right? I see that as a time to exercise patience, pray, and have faith that God will have His hand in things if the other person has the same desire and is willing to work on the relationship. Forgive the person and keep living your life until they are ready to turn that page as well and move on.

So what is one to do in the mean time? This all comes down to individual coping skills. I've noticed that my relationship coping skills have evolved over time. As a child and into my teens I may have been sad, sulked, and impatiently waited for things to magically get better after trying anything/everything I could for resolution. Into college years, I figured out quickly that there are energy saps out there everywhere and that I needed to be more cautious in forming relationships with people who could be good friends to me, not just me good friends to them. It took longer to clear that hurdle than I would have liked, but at least I cleared it and moved on. Having been married for many years and becoming a mothers by far the most rewarding on-the-job-training I've ever had! I have learned how the quality of relationships I have with others directly influences my family life.

The ability to recognize healthy and unhealthy relationships is very important, because respect is one of those critical ingredients. If I leave myself open to disrespect by others, it influences my family and home life. I am currently at a place in my life where I have boundaries that I expect to be respected by others. My boundaries have to do with respect of priorities and values. I don't expect others to have the same priorities and values, but that they respect mine. I'm happy to discuss them and respect differences. I'm that simple. And if I feel that my priorities and values have been disrespected, I will tell them and give them a chance to make things right with me. If they don't, then it's time to go to plan B (forgive them, pray about it, and be patient while waiting for them to come around).

So back to my question, what is one to do in the mean time? Patience and openness work together rather nicely in life, as I've found that life has a way of filling back up pretty nicely if/when something happens in a relationship as long as I don't dwell on it (hence the need to forgive, be patient and move on). It was incredibly liberating when I discovered that I have the privilege and responsibility of choosing (prioritizing) how I spend my time and resources, both emotional and physical, because those choices effect me, my children, my spouse, my other friendships, family, etc. Toxic relationships can create much stress and steal the joy from daily life experiences. And toxic relationships can not change unless there is desire for them to change by both parties.

So without guilt, but with much forgiveness, patience, and hope, I will hold the line on my expectation for relationships to be respectful and kind. Life is too short to do otherwise.

God doesn't give us fish sticks

Last night during dinner, we had a rough time getting our kids to help prepare the food they were about to eat. They are usually very happy and excited to help make food with me. I don't typically force my kids help with food preparation, but when it comes down to me prepping about 100 small shrimp that needs to be peeled and such, it's time to learn. 

As we gathered at the table and I brought freshly boiled shrimp (you know, the ones with the head still on, eyes staring at you?) you can imagine the expressions on my darling children's faces change from excited hunger to shock and disgust. Mind you, they've all eaten and liked shrimp before. Why the change of heart? They are spoiled - that's why! The are used to the prepped shrimp, that someone else went to painstaking detail to de-head, pull off the legs and outer shell, and finally remove the tail without taking any of the precious desired meat with them. It's a talent, I tell ya! And while I appreciate their talent in doing this task and packaging them nicely into bags for me to select either fresh or frozen at the supermarket,  it's important to know how to prepare your own shrimp. Right?! Anyone who's ever eaten fresh shrimp knows the difference and what I'm talking about. 

Why did we decide that it was time for our kids to acquire this wonderful talent? My darling husband decided to bring home a bag of fresh shrimp from the market. It's all we had to make as a main course for dinner that night. It was time to learn. 

Personality differences were to be expected and definitely presented themselves during this experience. My hands-on learners were game and jumped right in. My tentative ones were cautious, but came around. My tactile sensitive child wanted NOTHING  to do with it - not to touch it, watch it, listen to it, etc. Eating was the ONLY option. Period. Soooo.....as we enforced the "you have to try it once"  at the table policy, you can imagine the drama that unfolded. With extreme disgust, resentment, and eventual departure from the table claiming the desire to never eat any living thing ever again, it was NOT the ideal learning experience. 

To help calm down the situation, I went to sensitive child's room and tried to bring some 'sense' to the emotions that were raging. The truth of the matter is, WE ARE SPOILED! We don't catch our own food, we don't clean and prepare the meat from animals for eating, we don't grow our own food, we don't usually bake our own bread, make cereal, crackers, pasta, etc...etc....
We are so removed from the reality of what it takes for the food to come to the table that when the learning moment arises for how to prepare a shrimp there is rebellion and chaos.

So, how effective was my 'sensible' approach to this topic? Completely ineffective! Ha ha! Sensitive child refused to ever eat meat again and become vegetarian.

What is a parent to do when sensibility and mental capabilities fail? I've learned to stop trying to raise my children my way and raise them God's way. Whenever I let God's Truth and authority come into things, He always wins my children over. So I let go and let God. I relied on His Word and examples to guide me as I explained how God made animals for food. This gained some traction and a discussion came into light. Sensitive child opened up the door for consideration and the miracle of the fish and bread that fed thousands opened eyes. I asked sensitive child, "If you were there that day, and were given food to eat, would you have turned your nose up at it and said, 'Yuck! I want fish sticks instead! ?" Sensitive child understood, without words came to the table and proceeded to peel shrimp AND eat it. Disgusted by the process all the same, but thankful and no longer spoiled to the point of not appreciating the bounty provided for us.

So I was thinking last night about how God gave us fish, not fish sticks. What other ways does this apply to my life? He always provides, but it takes work on my part to make it fish sticks. It takes my effort and participation.

Advent instead of Advil! How my family came to celebrate "The 12 Days of Christmas" in Moscow

Given that the Orthodox Christian Church is very prominent in Russia, Christmas is celebrated on their calendar, January 6th. Fine by us, because we celebrate Christmas beginning Dec. 25th and throughout the 12 days of Christmas. Although we've found ourselves to be a minority in doing this, even in the USA, it was wonderful to be able to actually have holiday time leading up to the Epiphany (Christmas Day for the Orthodox church). New Year celebrations start things off and build up to the big day here! And time to celebrate Christmas with friends and extended family continue for days.

Government was shut down until the 10th of January (I think it was shut down for more than a week, but don't know the exact date it shut down to be entirely to be honest). I think that it was shut down from New Years Eve through the 10th. That's some seriously celebration time. And a celebration it was! Every day there were fire works in the evening going off somewhere. Not just a stray bottle rocket in the distance either...a real display worth stopping to admire.

So how did the Duffy family do with these changes? Fabulously! We had lots of time to enjoy our gifts, one day at a time. Celebrating the 12 days of Christmas provides ample opportunity to spend time and money a little bit each day, savoring each gift and the time spent together enjoying them. Ice skates for the family was the big gift, followed by a day of ice skating. A small gift each day was fun and included an exchange of gifts among family members. And we made it to church on multiple days during our 12 day celebration, instead of just Christmas day.

A serious bonus of shopping before, during and after the 12/25 Christmas day celebrated in the USA is that we don't expend nearly as much money as we might otherwise because we are not beholden to getting everything purchased and 'done' or 'ready' by a certain day. Wrapping happens each day, as a gift is put into a reusable Christmas bag. Each child has their own bag. It's simple, effective and green (reduces waste). It worked wonderfully! This is a streamlined process that we've been refining for the last couple of years. This year with us being in Moscow, it was the most efficient yet, as wrapping paper is a bit hard to come by. So the magical bag was wonderful! Less time spent wrapping + less time spent cleaning up wrapping paper = more time spent having fun together. So there are a few insider details for those wondering how we do things in my family with 5 children.

Are you wondering why and how we came to this somewhat unusual process? Well, Vinny and I were talking about what we like and dislike about Christmas - and by Christmas, we meant the whole experience of Christmas, not specifically the religious miracle that we celebrate. We compared notes, discussing our happiest and most unpleasant memories surrounding Christmas and made some decisions about how we want our family to celebrate Christ's birth. We want to avoid the commercialized Christmas that creates greedy, materialistic, sugared-up little monsters who become incapable of focusing on anything but themselves. We want our kids to recognize the tremendous gift that was given to the world in Jesus Christ.

So we wait...

We wait to decorate, letting Advent unfold with a daily scripture and decorations bit by bit.

We wait to put our tree up until a day or two before Christmas and let decorations unfold throughout the 12 days of Christmas.

We wait for gifts and stretch out days for gifts (from brothers and sisters to each other, from parents to children, St. Nicholas gifts, etc) throughout the 12 days of Christmas.

We try very hard to let Christ be the center and everything that surrounds the celebration of his birthday to glorify Him, in patience, generosity, kindness, thoughtfulness, consideration of resources, and time spent having fun together. We want it to be like the ideal birthday party where everyone has a good time, the house doesn't get wrecked, and the birthday boy (Jesus) is happy!

I can imagine that most everyone reading this can recall a chaotic birthday party that they've been to, seen on tv, or read about. That's what we're trying to avoid in fighting what we see as the media/commercialization of Christmas. Instead, we try to focus on the Peace, Love, and Joy parts of Christmas. It was easier than we thought it would be, by stretching out the celebration days and breaking out of the Dec. 25th deadline that we were allowing to be imposed on us. The TO DO LIST for Christmas shopping, baking, gifts, wrapping, travel, etc., doesn't have to be dreaded if the time line to get things checked off is stretched out.  We shouldn't have to see Christmas items in stores before Thanksgiving (sometimes just after Halloween - Thumbs DOWN) just so we can get things checked off our list. We evaluated what was on "The List", prioritized, and then scheduled according to our time line. We rejected the deadline of the BIG DAY and said yes to the 12 days of Christmas. I haven't felt like a failure for years now! What a gift! What a gift to my whole family!
It is my hope that when they are grown and in the position to decide how they would like to celebrate Christmas, that they won't feel the pressure to perform the duties on the list, but rather joyfully choose and carry out what is one their list in a way that will hopefully be pleasing to Jesus Christ.

So far, it's been a blessing to my family because we still get the joy of our watching our children in their excitement and wonder, but we get it for more days instead of a whirlwind .

There you have it - Christmas for the Duffy Family in Moscow! Hope you had a blessed Christmas and wonderful beginning to 2012!