Relationships

A recent interaction has gotten me thinking. And after the suggestion that I consider writing about it, I have decided that it might be a useful reflection. So here's my take on the topic of relationships.

I've taken time to consider how relationships begin, grow, continue, and/or end. As children, our parents had influence in our relationships with immediate and extended family, who we made and built friendships with and modeled how to interact with friends and family through their example. I grew up understanding the importance of family and close friendships, knowing how important is it to treat others with kindness and respect. Kindness and respect are important factors in relationships because of the way it influences others willingness to be open.

Given an environment of kindness and respect, people can share themselves little by little, creating opportunities for shared experiences, which can make even stronger bonds between people. Shared experiences might be daily life, school, play dates, sports, or any number of things; however, it is important, because it provides opportunity for interacting. The more interactions with kindness, respect and openness, the greater likelihood for relationships being built. Shared experiences (especially fun ones) can be glue that bonds people who are kind and respectful to each other.

So how do people who are separated by distance, build and/or maintain relationships? Phone calls, letters, e-mail, FaceBook, FaceTime, Skype? I've found these methods to be helpful in maintaining relationships over distance and in some circumstances. I've recently noticed that my increased openness about myself, family and personal experiences in my written blogs may help others get to know me better, which may be like planting seeds for future interactions and discussions in person someday with others.

What happens to relationships where respect and kindness are compromised? What happens if people start taking their relationships for granted and don't make effort to maintain them, let alone grow them? What happens if openness ceases to be an element and the relationship is expected despite the lack of respect and kindness? This is where it gets tough, especially if it involves family. You never give up on family, no matter how hard things get and no matter what has happened, right? I see that as a time to exercise patience, pray, and have faith that God will have His hand in things if the other person has the same desire and is willing to work on the relationship. Forgive the person and keep living your life until they are ready to turn that page as well and move on.

So what is one to do in the mean time? This all comes down to individual coping skills. I've noticed that my relationship coping skills have evolved over time. As a child and into my teens I may have been sad, sulked, and impatiently waited for things to magically get better after trying anything/everything I could for resolution. Into college years, I figured out quickly that there are energy saps out there everywhere and that I needed to be more cautious in forming relationships with people who could be good friends to me, not just me good friends to them. It took longer to clear that hurdle than I would have liked, but at least I cleared it and moved on. Having been married for many years and becoming a mothers by far the most rewarding on-the-job-training I've ever had! I have learned how the quality of relationships I have with others directly influences my family life.

The ability to recognize healthy and unhealthy relationships is very important, because respect is one of those critical ingredients. If I leave myself open to disrespect by others, it influences my family and home life. I am currently at a place in my life where I have boundaries that I expect to be respected by others. My boundaries have to do with respect of priorities and values. I don't expect others to have the same priorities and values, but that they respect mine. I'm happy to discuss them and respect differences. I'm that simple. And if I feel that my priorities and values have been disrespected, I will tell them and give them a chance to make things right with me. If they don't, then it's time to go to plan B (forgive them, pray about it, and be patient while waiting for them to come around).

So back to my question, what is one to do in the mean time? Patience and openness work together rather nicely in life, as I've found that life has a way of filling back up pretty nicely if/when something happens in a relationship as long as I don't dwell on it (hence the need to forgive, be patient and move on). It was incredibly liberating when I discovered that I have the privilege and responsibility of choosing (prioritizing) how I spend my time and resources, both emotional and physical, because those choices effect me, my children, my spouse, my other friendships, family, etc. Toxic relationships can create much stress and steal the joy from daily life experiences. And toxic relationships can not change unless there is desire for them to change by both parties.

So without guilt, but with much forgiveness, patience, and hope, I will hold the line on my expectation for relationships to be respectful and kind. Life is too short to do otherwise.